This week I was returning home, to Amsterdam from two uberintensive weeks of work and single-parenting of my 7 month old in hostile New York. After an imaginable amount of barriers to my stroller including no functioning metro elevators, compulsory stroller folding rules in buses (impossible for a two-handed woman with a two-pieced stroller, plus baby), and potential helpers not helping because of liability and suing risks, I got the straw that broke the camel's back, in the KLM counter at JFK.
Since I was on my own - and knowing that I could only carry the stroller with one hand and a suitcase with the other, I had packed a little over the allowed weight (7 pounds/4 kilos) in one bigger suitcase. To my surprise, even if only a little over weighted I was told by the black lady in the counter, that I had to pay 100 USD for the overweight or I could go with all my stuff downstairs to buy another suitcase as I (the baby) was entitled to a second suitcase. I, of course got angry with those options: Why wouldn't KLM, a supposedly customer friendly, staff empowering, not penny looking company, be so rigid about the baggage allowance of a woman flying alone with a baby?
I was exhausted at that point so going somewhere else with all my stuff to buy a suitcase of pay 100 usd for 4 kilos seemed wrong, unfair and unreasonable. So I insisted that the company should have flexibility, specially with women travelling on their own with babies as there is no way I can pull two suitcases and a stroller with 2 hands. The lady overlooked me and said despotically:
- I can do it.
I was on the verge of crying as I did not know what to do. I was hoping to get an empathetic response, an in between solution, but all I got was a prejudiced and judgmental statement that left me speechless:
- In my country we do it, she said. In my country women do not have the luxury of strollers so we carry the babies and baggage on us.
- What is your country?
- Guyana
I felt she thought I did not know Guyana was a country, I felt she thought I did not know where Guyana is, or what is its capital, I felt she thought I had never been there, or knew nothing about the country. I felt she thought I did not know anyone from Guyana, all of which was not true. I even work in Guyana on women's rights!!
I felt so bad, and almost responsible that I literally could not say anything else to her and diligently went on to pack the 4 kilos into the last space in the stroller, so that I would meet the maximum. At that point the baby was crying, and I was heavily sweating and in the verge of tears.
I went to the security lane reflecting. And I had to come back to apologize to her. I looked at her and said: Sorry, you are right, no woman should be like a mule, not here not in any other country.
But still I felt bad and I even got sick in the plane. Something was not right. I felt responsible for the situation of many other women, and i felt i was treated as an ignorant that don't do anything for women, in precisely the same region she came from. I had the right to complaint. From woman to woman. I realize I am a privileged woman in many ways, but I endure heavy work as well.
I, and women in most cases, carry the burden of taking care of a child. I am the one that knows what my daughter needs to eat, what she eats, when, the one that generally buys her food or breastfeeds her (including the one reading books about it, taking courses about it, pumping milk, researching which is the best pump, etc etc etc) and hoping that I'm doing it right. I'm the one that knows if the baby has enough clothes for the next stage, the one that organize the clothes, buy them or make sure she gets them from other people, and return them. I am the one that takes her to the doctor, checks when the next appointment is, knows which vaccines she already had. I am the one that looks for, interviews the babysitters and makes sure that they get paid. I am the one that thinks ahead. Oh, and yes, I also have a full (very full) time job on the side.
I only needed help at that moment. I did not need historical revenges, I did not need a sermon, or even a lesson. I needed a helping hand. As I would give a hand to her or any other woman (or man) that I saw needed one. Regardless. I understand the layers of where we both come from, but in this case she used her position of privileged to not help me.
This situation serve me to reflect carefully and learn about myself, about the support women (dont) get in our societies, about the lack of empathy, about positions of privilege, about surrendering...
Ok, back to work ;)
Since I was on my own - and knowing that I could only carry the stroller with one hand and a suitcase with the other, I had packed a little over the allowed weight (7 pounds/4 kilos) in one bigger suitcase. To my surprise, even if only a little over weighted I was told by the black lady in the counter, that I had to pay 100 USD for the overweight or I could go with all my stuff downstairs to buy another suitcase as I (the baby) was entitled to a second suitcase. I, of course got angry with those options: Why wouldn't KLM, a supposedly customer friendly, staff empowering, not penny looking company, be so rigid about the baggage allowance of a woman flying alone with a baby?
I was exhausted at that point so going somewhere else with all my stuff to buy a suitcase of pay 100 usd for 4 kilos seemed wrong, unfair and unreasonable. So I insisted that the company should have flexibility, specially with women travelling on their own with babies as there is no way I can pull two suitcases and a stroller with 2 hands. The lady overlooked me and said despotically:
- I can do it.
I was on the verge of crying as I did not know what to do. I was hoping to get an empathetic response, an in between solution, but all I got was a prejudiced and judgmental statement that left me speechless:
- In my country we do it, she said. In my country women do not have the luxury of strollers so we carry the babies and baggage on us.
- What is your country?
- Guyana
I felt she thought I did not know Guyana was a country, I felt she thought I did not know where Guyana is, or what is its capital, I felt she thought I had never been there, or knew nothing about the country. I felt she thought I did not know anyone from Guyana, all of which was not true. I even work in Guyana on women's rights!!
I felt so bad, and almost responsible that I literally could not say anything else to her and diligently went on to pack the 4 kilos into the last space in the stroller, so that I would meet the maximum. At that point the baby was crying, and I was heavily sweating and in the verge of tears.
I went to the security lane reflecting. And I had to come back to apologize to her. I looked at her and said: Sorry, you are right, no woman should be like a mule, not here not in any other country.
But still I felt bad and I even got sick in the plane. Something was not right. I felt responsible for the situation of many other women, and i felt i was treated as an ignorant that don't do anything for women, in precisely the same region she came from. I had the right to complaint. From woman to woman. I realize I am a privileged woman in many ways, but I endure heavy work as well.
I, and women in most cases, carry the burden of taking care of a child. I am the one that knows what my daughter needs to eat, what she eats, when, the one that generally buys her food or breastfeeds her (including the one reading books about it, taking courses about it, pumping milk, researching which is the best pump, etc etc etc) and hoping that I'm doing it right. I'm the one that knows if the baby has enough clothes for the next stage, the one that organize the clothes, buy them or make sure she gets them from other people, and return them. I am the one that takes her to the doctor, checks when the next appointment is, knows which vaccines she already had. I am the one that looks for, interviews the babysitters and makes sure that they get paid. I am the one that thinks ahead. Oh, and yes, I also have a full (very full) time job on the side.
I only needed help at that moment. I did not need historical revenges, I did not need a sermon, or even a lesson. I needed a helping hand. As I would give a hand to her or any other woman (or man) that I saw needed one. Regardless. I understand the layers of where we both come from, but in this case she used her position of privileged to not help me.
This situation serve me to reflect carefully and learn about myself, about the support women (dont) get in our societies, about the lack of empathy, about positions of privilege, about surrendering...
Ok, back to work ;)
2 comments:
Ay, Maria! I wish that woman had shown more empathy and sympathy! But I don't understand why you chose to tell us her color yet not that of your baby, the security agent, etc. Maybe that, and your story, is part of why the new Empathy Museum is so important. I hope NY won't be hostile on your next trip. :)
True! (By the way my baby is mix race :)
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